Personal Epiphany/Who Cares

After mowing my lawn and stepping into a cool shower, I realized I think I may be having a nervous breakdown.  I don't even remember if I actually washed anything.  I just know I stood in there in tears, frustration, and anger for over 30 minutes before finally shutting off the water and getting out.  While crying, shouting at God and the world, and basically wallowing in self-pity, I came to a realization.  I think I finally understand some of these so-called crazy people who end up addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.  Society tends to call them slackers.  I have neither addiction, but I can understand how easily it happens. Lord knows, I've been told I didn't care about anything and would not amount to anything for most of my life.

It hit me today that the exact opposite is the reality.  The problem isn't that I don't care.  The thing is I don't want to care so much.  Why?  Because caring hurts. It sticks and stings and prods and punches and pulls and tears at the guts until it physically feels like my insides are ripping apart sometimes. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out how to stop all this pain that I can't find any one specific reason for having.  I just know it hurts and it is frustrating.  I want it all to just stop, but I don't know how to shut it off.  I don't want to care anymore.  I don't want to be constantly worried about how to please everyone around me without hurting anyone's feelings.  I've been called selfish more times than I can count by my mom and step-dad over the years.  It is so ingrained in my brain that I constantly analyze everything I do to question if I am placing myself ahead of others. 

I don't say this to place blame on anyone else, but to try explaining where I am coming from and how I arrived at this point in my life where I stood under the spray of a cold shower crying out to God and anyone willing to listen for some solution to this constant misery.  Yes, I take medication for depression.  These episodes are significantly worse without it.  At least I am not so self destructive these days.  Though I do feel I am on a slippery slope, hanging by a thin thread at this point in my life.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me to simply "not worry about it" when attempting to provide encouragement, I could probably afford to see my psychologist without needing any insurance coverage!  So yeah. Lack of concern for anything in life is not and never has been the problem.  I only wish it were that simple.  What would it be like to live without constantly questioning why I exist in the first place? I wonder what it would be like not to care what others think.  I wonder what it would be like to have no concern for what would happen if I ceased to exist.  Of course this just sets the stage for an endless spiral of questions to which I have no answers. 

So hey, society!  Next time you accuse someone of not caring, stop and think about it from the opposite point of view.  Chances are you got it backwards.  Instead of pointing fingers, offer to lend a hand to help a fellow human who is likely suffering more than you know.  Just because you can't physically see another person's pain or reasons for unacceptable behavior, doesn't mean they aren't there.