Thought for the day as I sit and watch my mind steadily slip into some distant fog, my sanity sliding just out of reach.

 Life is pain.  You just get used to it.
    -Samantha Cain, The Long Kiss Goodnight

After mowing my lawn and stepping into a cool shower, I realized I think I may be having a nervous breakdown.  I don't even remember if I actually washed anything.  I just know I stood in there in tears, frustration, and anger for over 30 minutes before finally shutting off the water and getting out.  While crying, shouting at God and the world, and basically wallowing in self-pity, I came to a realization.  I think I finally understand some of these so-called crazy people who end up addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.  Society tends to call them slackers.  I have neither addiction, but I can understand how easily it happens. Lord knows, I've been told I didn't care about anything and would not amount to anything for most of my life.

It hit me today that the exact opposite is the reality.  The problem isn't that I don't care.  The thing is I don't want to care so much.  Why?  Because caring hurts. It sticks and stings and prods and punches and pulls and tears at the guts until it physically feels like my insides are ripping apart sometimes. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out how to stop all this pain that I can't find any one specific reason for having.  I just know it hurts and it is frustrating.  I want it all to just stop, but I don't know how to shut it off.  I don't want to care anymore.  I don't want to be constantly worried about how to please everyone around me without hurting anyone's feelings.  I've been called selfish more times than I can count by my mom and step-dad over the years.  It is so ingrained in my brain that I constantly analyze everything I do to question if I am placing myself ahead of others. 

I don't say this to place blame on anyone else, but to try explaining where I am coming from and how I arrived at this point in my life where I stood under the spray of a cold shower crying out to God and anyone willing to listen for some solution to this constant misery.  Yes, I take medication for depression.  These episodes are significantly worse without it.  At least I am not so self destructive these days.  Though I do feel I am on a slippery slope, hanging by a thin thread at this point in my life.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me to simply "not worry about it" when attempting to provide encouragement, I could probably afford to see my psychologist without needing any insurance coverage!  So yeah. Lack of concern for anything in life is not and never has been the problem.  I only wish it were that simple.  What would it be like to live without constantly questioning why I exist in the first place? I wonder what it would be like not to care what others think.  I wonder what it would be like to have no concern for what would happen if I ceased to exist.  Of course this just sets the stage for an endless spiral of questions to which I have no answers. 

So hey, society!  Next time you accuse someone of not caring, stop and think about it from the opposite point of view.  Chances are you got it backwards.  Instead of pointing fingers, offer to lend a hand to help a fellow human who is likely suffering more than you know.  Just because you can't physically see another person's pain or reasons for unacceptable behavior, doesn't mean they aren't there.

Wow. Talk about neglect. I really have neglected my poor blog! Over a year since my last post. I do have an idea up my sleeve for something new though. Keep your peepers on the lookout for some new book reviews coming soon. I'm going to give something a try, but I'm not sure how well it is going to work. In the world of a gazillion book review blogs, I would like to try something completely different. I figure if I want to have a blog that is worthy of attention amongst so many others out there, I'd best come up with something unique. What have I not seen done yet? Coming soon to JC's World of Words: The Strangest Things You Never Thought You'd See in Romance. Or... I Can't Believe Someone Went There!

Some friends have been pointing out some of the strangest subjects in the romance book genre lately. Usually someone will end up volunteering to read the oddest of these and give a review for the group. We call it "taking one for the team," so the rest of us don't have to subject ourselves to the torture. Since so many have been cropping up lately, I'm thinking of featuring those book reviews here on JC's World of Words. So, be on the lookout for some of the strangest subjects that you never thought you'd see in romantic fiction.

I'm not sure if the reviews will all be mine, or if others will submit their reviews for me to post on their behalf. I expect that it will likely be a mixture of both. Stay tuned for things like Amish vampires and Amish space zombies, dinosaur sex (yes, I mean bestiality), and other strange things the dark underbelly of the Romance genre has to offer. If you come across something totally off the wall that you'd like to see an honestly reviewed, feel free to let me know. Better still, feel free to take one for the team and submit your own review for me to post. The stranger the better! Prove to us all that the imagination knows no limits!

Until then...

Happy reading everyone!

     It's been awhile since I've had something infuriate me to the point I felt the need to blog about it. That changed today after I spent about an hour trying to remove some intrusive malware from my laptop.  Oh, I know. I have installed all the wonderful little goodies that are supposed to make the job easier and even prevent most malware from infecting my baby in the first place.  Nothing is perfect, though.  Something always seems to find its way through all the blocks, just to make life miserable until I can get it removed.

      That leads me to today's little gem.  Amazon Smart Search somehow snuck onto my laptop and proceeded to pester me every 2 - 3 minutes to make Amazon Smart Search my default browser.  I didn't even know Amazon has its own browser.  "What new malicious evil is this?" I asked no one in particular, since I'm home alone.  Assuming a new browser tool bar had installed itself, I ran a search of my hard drive for "Amazon" to see if I could find where it was nesting.
   
     While I'm not a complete idiot where computers are concerned, I consider myself one of those people who knows just enough to be dangerous. When all the Amazon files started filling the screen, I decided more information would be needed before I zapped something important.  Off to Ixquick, I go.  A quick Google scrape later (Ixquick doesn't save any info from search history, while it returns the same results you get when searching with Google, who DOES save ALL of your search history for purposes known only to them.), I find a nice little article on Amazon Smart Search removal. Moments later the pest has been removed safely.  15 minutes and still no pop-up saying I need to change my default browser, so I assume it was a successful uninstall.

     Amazon Smart Search?  Seriously? SMART Search?  What makes it so smart?  This is exactly why I hate GEC.  (That's Giant Evil Corporations, for those who may have wondered.)  What is with people these days?  Can no one think for themselves anymore? I have news for you, Amazon: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!  Heck.  Half the time, even I don't know what I want, so how are you supposed to have figured it out?  I do know this.  I don't want Amazon, or any other computer program, telling me what I want. I will decide for myself.  Whose idea was it to call these annoying devices smart, anyway? Smart-car, smart-chip, smart-phone, smart-search...dumb idea!

     I have a theory that this is part of the problem causing society becoming more ignorant.  People are so caught up in letting computers think for them, that they have completely forgotten how to think for themselves.  I won't be surprised to learn that we soon have an app to tell us when we need to pee.  We've stopped teaching basic courses in our schools in order to make room for shoving technology down our kids' throats.  No wonder we are becoming dumber! (For more on this topic, try searching the Archives over at American Thinker.  Some very interesting stuff on the subject there.)
   
     Said technology is bent on reducing the amount of thought required to use it and making decisions easier by pointing us in its perceived right direction, based on our day to day actions.  Guess how technology gets all that daily information.  Yep. Those good ole tracking cookies.  Oh sure. They're harmless. They won't hurt your computer. They don't collect any Personally Identifiable Information about you.  Have you ever stopped to ask what they consider Personally Identifiable Information?  I personally think tracking what I search on the web and how I use my computer is rather identifiable information about me.  You may not have my address, but you have the address of my ISP, who does have it.  Hmmmmm...

     Try looking at it from a non-technological perspective for a moment.  If I followed you around for a few weeks and wrote down everything you did, but I didn't include your name or address or phone number on the pages that I tucked away in a file folder, do you think I couldn't find you later by using that information?  Would you shrug your shoulders and go on about business as usual when I showed up at your doorstep with a pile of catalogs pertaining to all the things you did over the past month?
   
     Give me just a moment of your time to show you these wonderful offers that I'm sure will interest you since I know you've been shopping at similar stores this week.  Oh and while we're at it, how about we expand on your knowledge base by checking out some similar items that you didn't show an interest in, but they are actually pretty close to stuff you do seem to like.  No?  Well, what about these other offers?  It's just a few seconds of your time.  It won't take long at all.

     While I'm busy trying to convince you of the benefits of the latest tanning cream, someone else steps up to show you what they discovered while following you around after you visited their store. Their stack of catalogs isn't quite as big as mine, but they also want to take just a moment of your time to show you some things you are sure to need.  Then a third salesman shows up, claiming he isn't there to sell anything, only show you some stuff you might like to try for free. Since you don't seem to mind these other guys standing at your door...  Next thing you know, you have a group of people all trying to crowd into your living room with a stack of pictures to tout their wares.

     This is exactly how malware works.  It isn't inherently evil or destructive.  There is no malicious intent to destroy the function of your computer.  It just wants to collect some information and use it to try to sell you stuff or get you to go to websites that want to sell you stuff.  The problem is that the stack of catalogs gets so big, your computer doesn't have time to do what you WANT it to do. It can't function around the pests that are busy trying to tell you what you want or need.

     No problem, you say.  I'll just hire a bodyguard.  In computer terms, that would be your anti-malware or anti-adware program.  You've already put a security system in your house when you moved in, and you carry homeowner's insurance (anti-virus software with a money-back guarantee).  So you aren't worried about the thugs that want to break in and steal your stuff or destroy your house (virus or trojan files).  You just need a small guard dog to add to that to keep the sales guys from pestering you.  Something to get rid of the trash that your main security guard isn't trained to catch.

     Makes sense, right?  Well, this works okay, except now your computer is really slow, because it is now bogged down with all the scanning and removing going on in the background.  You only have so many resources to use at one time.  You can't stand in your living room all day, listening to a bunch of salesmen tell you what you need to buy next, and your computer can't do the basic functions you WANT it to do, if it is bogged down with all the programs running at once to keep out the stupid malware.

Back to why I hate Amazon.com...

     The worst thing about the GEC is that they have so many other little companies attached to them to do their dirty work.  They sit back and sing their own praises about how good they are to you, the customer, while their little side companies are busy clogging up your system with more junk and making your computer work overtime to keep up.  They are very good at keeping you distracted from their evil schemes to the point that they can simply SAY they didn't do it on purpose, and you'll believe them. 

     Sometimes, I KNOW what I want to do online.  If I don't, then I'll figure it out on my own.  I don't need someone else to think for me.  I don't need other programs to tell me what I want to do.  I hire the ones I want to provide specific services.  If I wanted all the other things that keep clinging to important files on my computer, I'd have asked for them.  I DON'T want them.  I don't want to support GEC like Amazon who hide most of the bad stuff they are doing behind other business names they call "affiliates."  Ultimately, there are only a few pockets at the top of the heap that are being lined from all the sheep who are too busy grazing to note the garbage they are spewing right alongside the supposed good stuff they do.

     I could rant on this subject for days, but my smart-phone just told me to go use the restroom, and my computer says my turtle wants to be brought back inside to his tank.  Meanwhile, dinner isn't going to cook itself.  I've yet to find a good deal on a smart-stove or smart-chicken!

Thanks for reading my heavily opinionated drivel!

Been thinking a lot the last few days about what to write about on my new blog.  Probably been thinking too much.  It feels strange to just sit down and write stuff with nothing to really write about, but I remind myself that sometimes that very act will lead to something interesting.  So here I am as I wait my plastic lunch to finish cooking in the oven. 

It's one of those days today where the brain just feels like mush.  It's difficult to focus on one thing for very long.  I'm not sure if it is the MS acting up because it is so hot, or maybe it is just the lack of sustenance so far today.  All I've eaten is a small amount of junk food with a bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper to wash it down.  Gee.  Isn't that just what you want to read about?  LOL

I have been tossing around some story ideas, but nothing I feel ready to start writing just yet.  So I think I'll just ramble a bit today about various tidbits that made me think more than normal.  You know.  Those little questions that people ask on Facebook or other social forums that make you stop and wonder why you never really gave that much thought before.  Yeah.  That's what I'm talking about.  For instance, a fellow sister-wolf posted a question on her page.  What would you do if you woke up and found you had changed to the opposite sex for the day?  This brought about all the funny comments you would expect from guys and gals alike, but another person put forth a little more thought. "Just think what you could learn about your partner if that happened."  

It makes me wonder if it would actually make us closer or push us apart.  How would it feel to walk a mile in his shoes?  How would it feel to be the only one who has to get up and go to work for 10 - 15 hours a day, five days a week, sometimes more?  How would it feel to shoulder the responsibility of caring for a wife who has MS?  Then there are all the other things that need to be done at home that she can't do.  Oh and let's not forget the nagging in-laws and mother.  How would it feel to know all of this is just expected of you by society, and you can't show any stress or real emotion about it because men don't do that?  How would I keep all of the crap I go through everyday just dealing with normal work stress held back so I don't take it out on my mate? 

Thinking about all of this in depth made me feel somewhat humbled.  I think us women sometimes tend to take for granted just how much our men shoulder burdens day to day.  Even the ones who seem a bit selfish are still saddled with a lot of responsibility that we don't even think much about.  We just expect it because they are men and that is what men are supposed to do.  They don't complain about it, at least mine never does.  They just go on with life as if it was just a walk in the park.  So that brings me to the question of how often do we tell our men thank you?  How often do you thank your man just for doing what people expect him to do everyday without complaining about it or asking for anything in return for it?  We see these psychologists and self-help authors and such giving out advice to men where they tell them to appreciate the little things us women do for them everyday.  But just how often do we tell them they are appreciated for just doing the little things they do everyday?  Human kindness works for both sexes, I believe. 

I think I'll greet my husband with a hug and a thank you when he walks in the door tonight.  I'm sure the look he will give me will be hilarious as he wonders what in the world I'm talking about, but who knows.  Just maybe it will ease a little of the burden he carries if he knows he is appreciated, too.  Give it a try with your own mate, and let me know how it goes.

Yes, I am a blog virgin.  For some reason, I suddenly decided it would be a great idea to use a blog to get myself back into writing everyday.  Great idea, right?  Sure.  Just one problem.  How on earth does one set up a personal blog?  So I pulled up my trusty Ixquick search engine and set about trying to find a place to start up a free blog.  Wow.  There are actually web pages dedicated to listing sites offering free blogs.  Who knew?  Okay, so this just might be easier than I thought it would be.  I'll just start with the first item that comes up on ixquick...

click...
BAM - BAM!  Both AdAware and Security Essentials pop up windows warning me the site has been listed as "an attack site" and could be harmful to my computer.  Yikes!  Guess that's what ya get for going after a freebie page. Get me outa here! click.  

hmmmm.....Now what?   Guess I'll try the next one.  BAM  AdAware didn't like that site either.  30 minutes and more research later, here I am with a plain-jane blog that is supposed to be customized to my liking, but heaven only knows how that works, but hey!  I'm writing, and wasn't that the ultimate point?  Who needs a fancy schmancy page with cool pictures?  And what is a Permalink? sigh  So much for user friendly.  Guess it's time to admit defeat and plead for help from my sister wolves over on TLS.

I don't know how well this blog thing is going to work out, but I am writing again, and that feels pretty good.  Hopefully, I'll get things figured out soon and be able to offer up some tidbits of interest.  Meanwhile, JC's World of Words is here just waiting for some creative musings.